People Who Want To Die

by POPSIE 1956

     For those who know about it, yes, I’m going there.

     For those who don’t know about it, this ain’t gonna be funny and goofy, but it IS very real.

     Like most of us, when I heard the news about Robin Williams, I was deeply saddened.

     Not for his fans, but for his family.

     Because I know, somewhat, what they are going through.

     No, I have not lost a loved one to suicide, but multiple times, I have come pretty damn close.

     For nearly 20 years, I was married to a woman diagnosed not only as bipolar, but with a very bad case of PTSD.

     For about the first year and a half of our marriage, all was great.

     Then there was the initial “breakdown”.

     She was hospitalized for what seems like weeks into months, then released to the care of her family in New York State (we were living in Ohio at the time).

     Your immediate reaction is “What did I do to make her want to kill herself? What could I have done to not make her want to kill herself?”

     Then the selfishness comes in; “How could she do this to me? Why did she f**k up my life like this?”

     It takes a very long time to realize in fact, it wasn’t her fault, your fault, anyone’s fault.

     It’s a disease, an illness, a curse.

     How does one go through life married to someone who, for pretty much on a daily basis, thinks about ending their life?

     For me, I threw myself quite heavily into my work.

     I also found myself recreating very strongly on many a night as a band aid, but the infection was still there, festering.

     The worse time was an attempt that included the medication she had been on, she secretly hoarded 2-3 months worth of everything she was taking at the time, and one day took them ALL in one dose.

     That night I sat in the ER as they pumped her stomach out with charcoal.

     She was also what they call “a cutter,” she probably still has scars on her wrist and ankles from “playing,” and in front of me too.

     On countless nights, she looked at me and said “I want to kill myself,” but when I called the Crisis Team, she knew better than to say those words to them, knowing they could do nothing to her unless she did.

     In one small town in New York State where we lived, we lived close to a railroad track, daily I would hear threats about how one day she’s just going to lay down on the tracks and end it all.

     There’s no reasoning.

     There’s no logic.

     After years of hearing “I want to die,” I gave up and said to her “I don’t want you to die, but I can’t fight it anymore, I can’t stop you, and I won’t.”

     She looked at me and said “Well then you don’t love me anymore, get out.”

     We divorced, it’s been about 15 years since that day.

     I’m happy to say she is still alive, but her illness has rendered her (as of this writing) a danger to herself.

     It still makes me sad to see her like this.

     Honestly, for a long time after we split up, my mind was super f**ked up.

     Self esteem was down the toilet.

     I failed.

     I’m better today, but, like many others who have gone through this, that chapter of my life will never go away.

     As much as I try to make it go away.

     So, in all the tributes to Robin Williams, salute his life, his career, his talent, but keep in mind what his family is going through.

     Odds are, they probably knew it was only a matter of time.

     If you are reading this and you are troubled, remember there is ALWAYS someone who will listen, and someone who will want to help.

     There is ALWAYS hope.

     And if you have a family member, friend, co worker etc that is troubled, don’t turn away.